Here’s me all high and mighty, in a newly dumped situation leading by example by NOT being a ‘Closure Chaser’ where other heartbroken emotionally-confused, lesser mortals may have failed – learn more about ‘Closure Chasers’ by clicking the link HERE.
This is the person I am now; I am the ‘Closer of the Closure’; I do closure by myself and always without a bloody ex’s input!
And you should consider doing likewise…because there’s less mind-fuckery involved when you’re ‘just’ battling your own mind, your own demons, your own rejection issues and not YOUR mind AND ALL THE piffle that your damn ex is going to come out with when you ask them for (…groan…) Closure.
Getting GENUINEClosure is a solo project I’m afraid…unless you want to engage expert help in the form of a psychotherapist…and nine times out of ten your ex has not committed to intense psychotherapist training and therefore is not a psychotherapist…and if s/he was, don’t get all excited cause s/he’d have to conflict out anyway.
So this is a fun little example of a dumping text I received from one of my exes that could have turned me into a Closure Chaser had I not already had my fingers yanked out their sockets and burnt off with THIS experience with the ex who deserves naming and shaming, but I’m being NICE…for now, so I won’t, and I’ll call him ‘Mr. R.H’.
Anyway, I’d three days earlier been, for the first time, introduced to this ex’s 12 year old daughter, so things were going well. Weren’t they? And I liked her and she appeared to like me; like she didn’t call me a ‘witch’ or worse (well, as far as I know) and she didn’t ‘accidentally’ bowl her bowling ball at my head, and anyhow I bribed her with a little makeup set with rose-gold unicorn packaging, so I was off to a good start – know your audience!
But meeting your partner’s child for the first time is a ‘relationship milestone’ is it not? Well I thought it was, and I was glowing inside and out…until…ping…this gem of a text popped up…
Now…I have a question for you…what do you think asking for and actually getting closure from THAT ex is going to look like?
I mean…what the fuck does THAT TEXT PICTURED THERE actually mean? Haha! Oops, that sounds like me asking for help from YOU with the initial part of the closure process (which is the fathoming of the ‘WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ABOUT?’ part without resorting to asking The Ex to stick his oar in)…Don’t worry I’m long past that part of the healing process and I’ve got more respect for your time than to ask you THAT; so I did the dirty work and TRIED to fathom it myself…
…so back to that shit-show of a text…
So, what we glean from that crock of crap is that he, well, for at least part of the time, can’t be a man…can’t be my man. So, I conclude then that he can only be part-time man, part-time flip-flop? He’s part-time man, part-time useless? He can only be part-time man, part-time moron? He can only be part-time man, part-time waste of my absolute time? He can only be part-time man, part-time WHAT?…WTF is the other thing (or person???) he wants to ‘be’ (or ‘DO’) for the other part of his time, when he’s not being a man. My man?
And I will tell you this…I wasn’t going to ask HIM for clarification of his ‘full-time shortcomings’, much less for ‘Closure’! I texted him back. Yep, I did. So now my phone is looking exactly like this…
Yep, you read that right, I replied ‘Ok’ – how many of you could have managed nonchalance to that degree?!! I typed two letters back to that shit. Perhaps(?) two more than I should have done, but only because I wanted him to know that I’d read that nonsense and ‘understood’ his….erm…’reason’…(?) for dumping me was because of his own assessment of his part-man/part-useless ratio.
And whilst I was ‘Ok’ (albeit it ‘not really OK’) accepting THAT, I wanted him to know through an ‘o’ and a ‘k’ that he now has to really be OK with me…:
· NOT accepting that he’s going to be allowed to treat me like shit,
· NOT accepting a part-time man presence,
· NOT being OK with him getting himself on Tinder for the other part of his time and,
· NOT wanting to be with a part-time version of HIM.
An ‘O’ and a ‘k’.
I didn’t even bother to mess around with a capital ‘K’ or a full-stop. I cried my heart out; I was falling in love with him; I thought he felt the same, but I wasn’t giving him a capital ‘k’.
How can I (or you) expect this person (or a similar emotionally inept ex) to give me (or you) CLOSURE? Closure from a less than full-time man (his words not mine), who clearly associates me with being a ‘CHORE’, a ‘JOB’ he ain’t thrilled about or ‘WORK’ that he can’t commit a metaphoric 36 hours a week to and also decides to communicate this to me by text? I’m not his employer asking him to go from 16 hours per week to 36. I’m not asking him to consider me in exchange for his bloody Working Tax Credits.
Reminder, ‘Closure’ is a massive concept (definition taken from the Oxford English dictionary, which for today is gospel):
‘A feeling that an emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved…’
He couldn’t even close his own eye judging by that shite.
So if I’d have text back and said ‘…you can’t just end things like that, I need closure…’, how do you think he would have managed to give me resolution of my emotional/ traumatic feelings…how do you think he would have handled THAT? He would have taken voluntary redundancy I’d bet my full-time salary on it…and I would have lost my shit.
How was he going to be able to make me feel that my emotions and the trauma I was feeling could be resolved by further interaction with HIM. An adult ‘man’ who dumps a woman with that kind of man-tosh-talk is not capable of helping you process Jack shit. I was dumped with more eloquence in Primary School (by a boy of about the same age…let’s just clarify THAT…); I was emotional and I was traumatised, but the resolving of this, the absolute resolution was in my hands. And yes, it took me time to process the relationship and the breakup, and it took more time than it should but mainly because he actually did come back a further three (YES, I KNOW…THREE TOO MANY) times which delayed the healing process and therefore the Closure that I was able to give to myself.
Each time he came back I never asked him for any explanations of THAT text because, basically there was/is NOTHING…Not One Little Scrap of sense that he could give me after that full-time/part-time muddled-up-man-talk…which is classic bloke-pub-mate-chat carefully coded so that women cannot understand…I can see him now up his local:
My ex’s mate: ‘How’s ‘IT’ going mate’?
My ex: ‘Oh mate, nah – I gave ‘IT’ the ‘full-time man’ text’
The mate: ‘Oooooh, harsh mate…Couldn’t have been much clearer than that; at least y’know?!’
The ex: ‘Yeah mate, I know – clear mate…pint?…’
I had to rely upon myself…I had to full-time MAN THE FUCK UP and grow a pair – go hunt for that Closure alone and that’s precisely what I did…and always do….you should too!
The Moto – ‘Closure Comes from Within’.
The Message – ‘Exes are not the ‘Within’ you should be turning to for Closure’.
Let me know how you would have reacted to THAT…Let me know your thoughts, comments or y’know…just say ‘hi!’.
Oh…and…any players out there having a read…did yo’ man do a good job?! Are you proud of your boi?!
TOUGH LOVE EVERY.STEP.OF.THE.WAY