Lovely people, I’ve talked about ‘Closure’ and what I call ‘Closure Chasers’ HERE – I’ve given you an example of when I didn’t ask for closure in a crappy breakup text situation, the little star that I am HERE!…

…So this is just an example of what happened to me when I was not a star and when I chased Closure just that one time, from that one ex, and this example will hopefully serve as a what never to do post-break-up and why.  My feeling is this….you should never expect any ex to be able to give you Closure…or THIS kind of embarrassing shenanigans could happen to you…and embarrassing shenanigans never results in a Closure success story…

This ex of mine, who I will now for the rest of blogging history refer to as ‘Rwanda Honduras’ (‘Mr R. H.’ for short) [sorry ‘Rwanda’, sorry ‘Honduras’]…had finally granted my text-message ‘closure’-wish, the Genie that he was; I must have rubbed his metaphoric lamp enough times…blah, blah, blah…like this…

I know…the desperation is just CRINGE and I can’t imagine EVER texting this type of desperation to an ex again…and when he granted me permission to call him I was all singing from the rooftops…‘CONTACT TIME, IT’S CONTACT TIME – THANK YOU GOD FOR CONTACT TIME’!!!  

So I called…on the bloody dot.  I wouldn’t have been so tardy as to lose my glass slipper if I’d been Cinderella. 
I’d even got myself dressed up and put some slap on (waste of expensive NARS full coverage foundation that was and false eyelashes which are a bugger to put on btw – they came off nice and simple though, with a bit of ‘salt-water’) – no we weren’t face-timing but I still wanted to look my best whilst seeking Closure…from AN EX, from THIS EX!  Great!  I called, he answered.  This was already going better than planned, because he ACTUALLY answered, cause he hadn’t been doing THAT for a while…!
I don’t think he even had chance to get the phone to his ear because…I’m off…I’m out the traps, like a pedigree whippet chasing a mechanical fantasy-rabbit…I was going to catch that damn fantasy and never let it go or else rip it’s throat out, chew it up and spit it out…so I’m off already…forget ‘Hello’ and pleasantries…let’s get straight in there…not a second to lose…he doesn’t have long…
‘Why don’t you want to be with me anymore, I don’t understand?’
Him – ‘Hi…How are…What, I missed the first part?…Oh…We’ve been through this, I just can’t be with you anymore’.
****We hadn’t****
‘But why though…we get on really well?’
Him – ‘We do.  I just can’t at the moment’.
‘So you’re saying in the future then?  When?’  **Haha, sucker…didn’t think that one through did he?**
Him – ‘errrm…I don’t know…I can’t say’
Him – ‘I don’t know…’
‘Yes you do, you can give me SOME indication…don’t you like me?’
Him – ‘Course I do – what do you take me for? **I’d love to answer THAT now** I just can’t be with you’.
‘Why not though?’
Him – Silence…
‘What have I done wrong?’
Him – ‘Nothing…I’ve already explained to you…’
****HE HADN’T****
‘Look, I just want you to give me some CLOSURE, then I’ll leave you alone’.
Him – ‘I don’t know what else I can say…I just can’t be with you anymore’.
Well this is going well eh?!
My brain is whirring cause he’s not giving me much to work with here …think. think. think. cause we’re at an impasse now…and if he says any version of ‘can’t be with you anymore’ I’m going to reach through the phone and I don’t know what but blood is getting spilled…
Right, an idea, and I’m…(Alan Partridge voice)…‘back in the game!’
…I’ll try a bit of the old memory testing-sharing-caring waffle…whatever…trip down memory lane stuff, cause every dumper loves being reminded of the good old days with an ex-who-wants-Closure…‘remember when we went here?  Remember that time we went there?’ ‘Remember when we did this?…Did that?…Saw this?…Saw that?’…blah, blah.  It was pathetic.  

And after all my hard work pouring over our best bits he was just ‘…yeah see, at least we’ve got the memories’…he DID actually say THAT the sarcastic little…; I see that for what it is now… it’s classic ‘bitch…you crazy…I did not contribute to making you THIS crazy so stop being my problem and get off the damn phone now’.  ‘We need to end this conversation now’ talk that is….at its best.
Fuck!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO – this is not working!  Why and how did that not work?  How did me reminding him of the time when we were asleep in that hotel in Cardiff all snuggled up together, warm and cosy and TOGETHER when the fire alarm went off and we were forced to evacuate…oh the hilarity…not get him to realise that we were perfect together, we were a team, all evacuating together, coordinated in record time. 
Think again brain, think harder, do something nobody has ever done before in the history of the ‘give me some closure’talk. 
GOT IT!  Let nobody tell me that I have an IQ of less than 140 – This is Mensa stuff now…I’m gonna try harder…OK…CRY…!   Let me try to negotiate (translates: force) harder whilst crying…and…his end, I couldn’t hear a pin drop – I’ve got his undivided attention…I’m genius…this is working, he’s changing his mind – he’s remembering why he fell for me in the first place; because I’m still being that ‘quality’ he admired in me…I’m still being so goddamn sexily ‘aloof’…SOB now SOB quick…that’ll speed up the changing of his mind process even faster and the being back together bit…
…but he said…‘I can’t do this, I don’t want to make you cry…’, translates: he’s checked out on EVERY level if he was ever remotely ‘checked in’ in the first place…he probably went for a walk about and left me there on the kitchen table crying on my own whilst he’s getting ready for bed, cleaning his teeth, putting his clothes in the washing machine and preparing tomorrow’s packed lunch…
Shit I was nearly there…damn…beg now…let’s add a bit of pleading into the mix all of the ingredients for the perfect Typical Closure talk are now folded in nicely and ready for the oven, the burning and the spitting out.  I was ready to be cooked, burnt and spat out.
This ‘Closure’ conversation had by now hit the one hour mark; and really HE should have ended the call within literally two minutes at an absolute maximum because him entertaining my ‘I want Closure’ was very cruel of him.  He knew I had text him asking for ‘Closure’ and he knew where this was going to go…(a grovelling request for just ONE. MORE. CHANCE, something he was not going to entertain for a milli-second).  I mean he’s not a stupid person with his PH-pissing-d.
The ending of this call however was suave on his part, and I actually can’t blame him for this little tactic, my only criticism is that he should have employed it sooner…
…he said he ‘had to go’ but he’d…have a think overnight about how he could explain things better to me so that he could ‘give me the closure that I deserve’.  So, he asked, could I call him tomorrow at the same time, please, and he said he really had to go and he promised me (on his life, his mother’s life, his father’s life, the life of the dog he’d never owned and that of the laptop that he did own) that we would talk the following day and he put the phone down – smooth ain’t he, cause you know where this is going…
…so no, I’m not as quick as you lot, but I was disadvantaged ever so slightly because I was having a little old emotional breakdown with a touch of anxiety and a big old triple shot of emotions and I felt so positive about my progress that night that my glass was not only half full, it was overflowing.  I needed more glasses to fill – my glass was that full…I thought he was going to change his mind and ‘be able to suddenly be with me now’ – he was going to sort out the ‘just can’t at the moment’ obstacle and he’d be mine and I’d be his, just 24 hours to get through…

Why? Because I wanted him soooo much and I was projecting my feelings onto him and convincing myself that even if he didn’t feel how I felt it was now within my capability to FORCE him to eventually feel the same and give us another chance…cause obviously THAT is totally within my power to do!
The following day – more wasted NARS full coverage foundation…and eyelashes – I called him at the EXACT time he said I should (course I did); and he knew I would call on time (course he did)…only he was on a train and was going through a tunnel?  Or he was in the shower?  Or he didn’t get to his phone on time?  Or his phone was on silent?  Or he was in an unexpected meeting?  Or he doesn’t want me to use my credit and he’s going to call me back, the gentleman that he fucking was**n’t**?  


…And it was still off ten minutes later, an hour later, five hours later, the following day…longest tunnel/shower/meeting I’ve ever heard of eh?, and that’s because HE DIDN’T WANT TO SPEAK TO ME AND HE KNEW HE COULD NOT GIVE ME CLOSURE AND HE KNEW THAT I WANTED CLOSURE IN THE FORM OF RECONCILIATION AND HE DID NOT WANT ME BACK!  I gave up contacting him after that btw, cause y’know, it was getting a bit embarrassing!  But I was still waiting for ‘Closure’…FROM HIM!  FROM THAT!  Even though he wasn’t physically in my life anymore!!
Now, this happened many years ago…at the time the breakup made NO SENSE TO ME which is quite possibly why the whole Closure thing became SUCH a massive issue – it bloody well makes sense to me NOW (after what I found out from dig, dig, digging and not keeping my nosey nose out)…well I certainly got what I’d asked for because I found out ALLLLLL of the reasons why HE JUST COULDN’T BE WITH ME ‘AT THE MOMENT’ – and if he had given me that clarification…the actual TRUTH as part of ‘The Closure’ talk that night on the phone…THOSE reasons would not only NOT have brought about Closure, it would have opened a whole can of worms…and I don’t like worms….and those damn worms still crawl all over me from time-to-time, and yeah the sarcastic bastard is right…at least up til that point I did have the memories – but they are so covered in worms that all I can remember is a wormy…no snakey…fake as hell ‘relationship’.  
…who made me realise that ‘ONLY I’ could give myself Closure and I learnt that the VERY HARD WAY.  Don’t you believe that anybody other than yourself can give you this massive thing that is Closure.  Don’t ask for it, don’t wait for it because nobody is capable of giving you that…you have to step-up and hand Closure to yourself when you get there.  

And in any case…when I hear ‘…but I just want Closure’ come out of the mouth of anybody in a relationship breakup situation, I immediately think… ‘BULLSHIT…YOU WANT CONTACT… YOU WANT TO FORCE YOUR EX TO HAVE YOU BACK…YOU WANT TO ARGUE WITH THEM WHEN THEY TRY TO EXPLAIN WHY THEY DON’T WANT YOU BACK AND YOU WANT ANOTHER GO AT CLOSING THE BREAKUP DOWN BY BEING BACK TOGETHER…AND WHEN YOU DON’T GET THAT YOUR’RE GOING TO PERSIST AND YOU’RE PROBABLY GOING TO FIND OUT SHIT YOU THINK YOU WANT TO KNOW FOR CLOSURE’S SAKE WHICH WILL DELAY AND HINDER THE CLOSURE…’, because as you all know I subscribe to the Oxford English dictionary definition of Closure in the current context as being:
A feeling that an emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved…’

…and this particular ex, YES YOU ‘Mr R. H.’, even with YOUR ‘PH-pissing-d’ COULD NEVER, EVER, EVER GIVE ME THAT GIFT OF RESOLUTION.  He couldn’t even leave me the gift of an untarnished memory…

I’d love to hear your stories of being a ‘Closure Chaser’…especially if you’ve learnt your lesson the hard way…like me…and are now the ‘Closer of the Closure’…any comments are great…!


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