The last week has been draining A.F. I feel like I’m coming down with something. A migraine? Head flu? An aneurysm?…Perhaps I am…or perhaps I’m just totally rung out like the rag I look….at least I’m having my hair done soon so that the rag I do look will be covered up by a freshly bleached mop.
Manipulation tactics and people like THIS get under your skin ever so quickly and with seamless ability. It’s an art form. They are ‘manipulation tactic experts’ and you have to become an ‘avoidance tactic expert’, otherwise you’ll be toast and penniless.
We had a bit of a stand-off. He was actually serious. But I wasn’t that stupid (YET) – I told him he could share what I had or otherwise use the tap in the kitchen to try and turn water into the wine he so craved. Suddenly the £5.50 bottle of white I had in my fridge became ‘good enough’ he ‘supposed’. He did keep muttering ‘vinegar’…so I got him some and lavishly splashed it over his chips.
Sometime later, when he and the new one parted ways…he contacted me again. See the pattern here?!
We met up and I 200% knew that I did not feel any kind of attraction towards him. We had a laugh and a few nice times (at my expense) just chilling, but romantically nahhhh. To be honest, I just enjoyed his friendship… occasionally…and for very short periods of time. I suppose I enjoyed an occasional short catch-up with him over drinks in a public place, if we’re breaking shit down. Or perhaps it was the drinks in the public place part that interested me….he could have been anybody as long as they were liberally minded and anti-Brexit.
He’s a person with no responsibilities. No wife, no ex-wife, no children, no car, no mortgage, no rent, no utility bills and no inclination to go to work. He was working…but he had no inclination to do so. So there was plenty of taking the piss sick-leave going on – for long, perhaps ‘prolonged’ periods – but luckily for him the company he works for appear ‘staff orientated’ and take a softly-softly approach to ‘ill-health’.
Debt though – oh yes, somehow(?) there was plenty of that. And the bailiffs were now involved…the imminent overdue debts combined were in the region of £350.00. I mean that’s ‘an amount’, but for a person with no responsibilities and a half decent job that can afford to smoke, drink, enjoy a bet and expensive days out with mates, with a little bit of sacrifice £350.00 is no amount at all. But he is in panic mode, because the bailiffs are going to be knocking on the door of his parents’ house imminently and most probably seizing goods.
He can’t pay – they’re gonna take it away. His parents can’t pay – they’re in Montego Bay. There’s one sucker left – who’ll end up bereft….because I’m about to take over parenting responsibilities of their grown ass son whilst they are sunning it up, otherwise their television is a gone-a for starters.
Not realising the full extent of his entitled-self and mainly feeling very sorry for his lovely, out-of-the-loop, retired parents and thinking how I’d feel if I’d dropped my own in this type of ‘predicament’, (he pushed all of my sympathy buttons until) I offered to pay the amount owing providing he made all attempts to pay me back within 3 months (which shouldn’t be too hard, right, given his particular circumstances?) but definitely within 6 months as I wanted to use the funds to partially cover something I had been saving up for over the last few months.
Contract drafted and signed, money paid, bailiffs happy. Him ecstatic, so off to the pub to celebrate with his mates! Me 350.00 odd quid lighter and going deaf…because I swear to god I never heard a ‘thank you’.
So this is new to me…I’m working on the assumption that everybody pays their way in life…and after all, I had made a grand gesture and got him out of crap that his parents would never need to be troubled about…so surely he wouldn’t be a dick.
LOL…this gesture opened the floodgates.
Every day thereafter, by text…THIS…
…can I borrow? Can you add it on to what I owe you? Just amend the contract. It’s only twenty quid. It’s only five quid. But I need… But I want… You’ve just been paid… I know you’ve got it… I’ve asked everybody I know… You’re the only one who can help… I’ll pay you back… I’ll pay you double… I need help… You’ve got money left over the month so lend it me… Why should you have money when I don’t… You’re so selfish… Give me one good reason why you can’t help me; yeah, you can’t can you? Who else can I ask?…
Initially, I thought, well yeah, it is only a tenner, it is only another twenty…but that adds up bloody quick when you are being asked every day/every other day.
I started to dread my phone pinging cause I knew it would be another transfer of funds request. Oh, and the request was generally to cover booze, meals out, bets and fags. Cause he had a roof over his head, paid for, clothing on his back, paid for and food in his mouth, paid for. It wasn’t like he had kids that needed feeding and clothing or that he would otherwise have been on the streets…not that that would have been my responsibility btw.
But my point is that the money was for him to just flitter away on his luxury items, whereas I’m then necessarily budgeting because of him so that I can pay actual important stuff…like my mortgage and my council tax whilst depriving my own self of a bit of luxury.
I felt like I’d suddenly given birth without being pregnant to the most demanding, self-centred, now-now-now-want-want-want, BRAT I’d ever had the misfortune of meeting. If any child of mine acted like him I’d have left them on the doorstep of Social Services and fucked off for good. I felt like a single parent having to meet this oversized brat’s every demand ALONE and without any prior experience of parenting.
So this is the situation…
DON’T KID YOURSELF…IF YOU ARE BEING TREATED LIKE ‘THIS’ YOU ARE A VICTIM OF ‘FINANCIAL ABUSE’
Very quickly, maybe three transactions in, so over a period of 5-ish days, I was like…’nah, I’m not doing this’, which is when the real ‘financial abuse’ started.
And a picture of his hand down the back of his father’s favourite chair captioned ‘Nope…nothing there…’. Then we’d get on to ‘oh my god…I think I’m going to die. I’m having an acute anxiety attack…I need fags…please, please help me’.
He honestly just drained me. At work, stressed out and having to deal with this manipulative shit essentially for £16.37. I got to feeling that £16.37 was worth it to get him off my back for the rest of the day. He made me feel as though his requests were perfectly rational and that I was the unreasonable one for saying no, y’know, whilst I was at work and he was off ‘sick’…messaging me his list of demands.
And the next time and the next time, he was slowly wearing me down so that I’d initially put up a fight, but I’d back down quicker and quicker each time because the manipulation was getting worse…‘I’ll die if I don’t have money for a drink…haven’t you heard of alcohol withdrawal causing seizures and death – it’ll be on your conscience – all for twenty quid’ – I couldn’t handle the guilt trips, the name calling and the constant stream of pleading, demanding, abusive cycle of text messages on top of work, paying my own bills and the general stresses of life, so it was easier just to give in…I knew he was going to get his way in the end so why go through the systematic trauma?
I couldn’t block him because I’d never see a penny back from him. So I suppose I was becoming more and more invested – it’s not dissimilar to getting hooked on gambling I suppose. Once you get in so far you have to continue in order to recoup your loss and the debt gets bigger and bigger and the way out of what has become a rut just gets more and more impossible.
Just before the bailiffs thing, y’know, the ‘good deed’…I went to collect him from his (parents’) house(!!) to take him to the train station(!!). He was visiting friends in Edinburgh (100s of miles away from us) for a long weekend! Lucky him hey! As we were leaving, he said goodbye to his sister. I couldn’t actually see her…he poked his head round the door of the room where she was sitting…but I heard the exchange.
He said ‘I’m off to Scotland now…are you doing anything good this weekend…?’, she answered REALLY sharp like ‘No. I. Am. NOT. GOING. OUT. THIS. WEEKEND. I DO NOT HAVE the money. To. Be. Going. Out. This weekend, because you ‘borrowed’ what I’d put aside and haven’t. paid. IT. BACK. YET – so my plans are now CANCELLED’. The atmosphere was just hostile with a capital ‘H’ – cut the atmosphere with a knife type shit. He couldn’t have felt it though cause he just replied…LOL…he actually said THIS all breezy and light ‘Oh, OK! Have a good weekend IN then. See you Tuesday’.
It was like her necessarily having to stay in had absolutely nothing to do with him – that was her own fault, she should have budgeted better, stoopid girl!
I sent him ONE polite reminder message. His reply ‘I’m blocking you now…I’m sure you’ll understand why’. So this is where my mind-set went ‘either I crazy or he crazy…or we both crazy’. I contemplated what to do. And it was THEN, in that moment that I decided I wasn’t going to let this drop. I was going to make sure he paid the lot back…every penny. I messaged his sister ONCE since I couldn’t contact him directly. I was very polite and just made her aware of the ‘situation’ and asked if she could ‘talk some sense into him’. I didn’t get a reply from her and I understand the probable reasons for this, but I know she’d read it.
Later that same day I get a message a bit like this…‘Remind me how much I owe you again…’
- · You’ve got no control over the debt/the terms of the loan BECAUSE that’s been negotiated for you by the ‘no-financial-sense-don’t-care-if-he-defaults’ Borrower and the ‘I’m-a-gonna-get-all-the-money-you-owe-me-and-more-from-that-solvent-Guarantor’ Lender who sure as hell knows the Borrower ain’t going to be doing the repaying.
- · You’re in debt for a debt you don’t need
- · You’re liable for a debt that you don’t even want.
- · It’s a guarantee that the interest rate is going to be astronomical.
- · The debt is not benefiting you or enhancing your life.
- · You are at the mercy of the Borrower.
- · You are at the mercy of the Lender.
- · You are a sacrificial lamb…start baaaa-ing as though you are on the way to the slaughter house.
- Oh, and you’re going to get shafted at some point by both Lender and Borrower intermittently, concurrently and repeatedly.
Other than giving you palpitations every month and all through the month worrying whether the ‘no incentive’ borrower is actually going to be arsed to pay or actually minded to default…how is this going to enhance your life and mental health in ANY.WAY?? Life’s hard enough!
This debt is essentially going to be your ball and chain for god knows how long, with 200% interest to boot with no come back on the damn borrower if they decide they don’t feel like paying anymore and you can’t get hold of them because they’ve had the audacity to block you. Money can ruin the strongest of relationships. Imagine what can happen where the parties concerned have no actual respect for the other!
Can you imagine THAT conversation with the Loan Company:
So up until THAT point my actual plan was to teach him a lesson and squeeze every penny ‘he owed me’ out of him. That plan was scrapped, forgotten, thrown to the dogs. He could keep the outstanding £10.00. He could keep his ‘dangling carrot’ and he could fuck off.
I ignored him.
Silence was met with several more messages with the full cycle…bribing, begging, coercing, manipulating, cursing, pleading and onwards and so forth. I don’t know what he wants the loan for, I don’t care. I don’t want to know the details I am hell not interested – I want no part in any of this or the rest of his life for that matter and I certainly don’t want to be tied to somebody I am systematically abused by, for at least another 2-3 years AT BEST.
I replied to his penultimate message [where he might have been insinuating that he was going to kill himself…it was a bit open to interpretation…which is manipulation at its best btw] with ‘I will not guarantee anything for you’. And I got a final ‘I should know by now that I can’t rely on you for even the smallest of things’type response.
Two days later £10.00 arrived in my account…but rather than being relieved…relieved that this is over, relieved that he’s finally paid the initial debt back 12-15 months later than he should have, I’m thinking… ‘Shit…this is not the end…this is the first part of his round 2 plot to bleed money out of me’. I can picture it now.
My phone pings… ‘Can you sign the papers?’ Ping ‘…look, I’ve paid you back everything I owed’, Ping ‘…I’ve paid you all that I owed you’, Ping ‘you owe me’ Ping ‘I never owed you what you said I did…’ Ping ‘I overpaid you and you know it…’oh, and a repeat of one of the best he came out with PING. PING. PING ‘…you only help me out when you want something’.
So now I almost wish he still owed me the final £10.00, but he’s smarter than that. He is smart where wangling things out of another person is concerned – cause he’s been pulling this shit his whole life!
But now I’m dreading my phone pinging, dreading him getting hold of me. Dreading the further manipulation and abuse. As soon as I realised that final £10.00 had reached my account he was BLOCKED. A good sound blocking had always been my intention just as soon as the debt was recovered IN FULL. I don’t have his mobile number our only contact has been through Social Media and whilst as I said he’s now blocked there, he still has my phone number…and he knows where I live and he could definitely, easily find out where I work. Just how much does he need this loan?…is the question I will never put to him but really need to know the answer to!
I’m not asking for advice here. I’m not asking for sympathy. I’m not asking for anything from any of you. Today, I’m not even asking for a comment (although you are very welcome to do so if you want and especially if you are struggling with this type of manipulation etc) – I just want you to share this and I want this to be shared to warn others about entitlement and how entitled people can really mess with your head and potentially your life, especially when you can’t/don’t say ‘NO’ RIGHT FROM THE START.
Can you imagine the mess I’d be in if I actually had feelings for this specimen….if I was all sappy in love with him…wanting to believe his lies, his manipulation and happy to do, do, do and help, help, help. I’d be bankrupt by now, heartbroken and as useful to mankind as wasps are in Summer and he wouldn’t give a shit. That’s the honest truth of the matter. He’d just move on and find his next saft victim.
Please everybody, be cautious if you recognise any ‘entitled traits’ within any relationship you may be contemplating or are in because once these fuckers latch on to you it can take years to get rid of them…literally YEARS. If I’d agreed to this Guarantor shit, I’d be tying myself up with his mess for a further, second prolonged period of time. He should have been out my life six weeks after I initially met him which is 5 years ago and counting! Do yourself a favour and don’t entertain these types right from the start. Recognise the signs and opt out.
STAND FIRM AND DON’T BE GUILTED INTO ANYTHING
Because since he made this fucking shit as hell request of me, a person he really has no regard or respect for, I’ve been anxious. I’ve felt guilty for not helping. I have the means…I could lend him the £1,000.00 he wants and it would save him the 200% interest rate he wants (me) to buy into…But I’m saying ‘NO’…because of his previous form. He can’t be relied on, I’ve had to chase him every month whilst trying not to lose my shit, he never keeps me informed if he can’t pay or if payment will be late, or if he’s amending the amount he can pay. Plus, I don’t want him in my life. I’m not a bailiff or a loan shark. It is not my job to go chasing lazy ass men around for money they owe me or a loan company.
I’ve never been in this position before. If I’m asked for help and I have the means, I’ll help…always. But I’m used to only being approached for help from well-meaning people! People I class as actual friends and people I respect get my help…nobody else does. I feel awful standing my ground in this instance yet I have absolutely no reason to feel awful. He’s shouldn’t be putting any of this on me. He should feel bad for asking and he should feel terrible about his conduct too. He should feel too bloody embarrassed to ask me for something so small as my last Rolo…which he also wouldn’t get.
So my entire thought process is ridiculous, but unfortunately I can’t change who I am. That doesn’t mean to say he’s getting a penny out of me. It doesn’t mean he can convince me to change my mind. Hell no. But that doesn’t stop the irrational feelings of guilt that’s going on right now and the very rational thoughts of what round 2 is going to look like. For it is my fear that once this type of person has entered your life they will always find a way to push their luck should they need something. And when they come back and when you say ‘no’…that’s when the trauma starts…cause they mistake ‘no’ for ‘let’s turn that inconvenient little ‘negative’ into a bloody great big yes’…and you then are ‘FAIR GAME’, disposable-‘PREY’…so if you are in the situation….well, stand strong and I feel your pain.
Please share if you or anybody you know is battling with an entitled…it might give them the strength they need to stick two fingers up and block. Comment if you like too, of course.